Cognito Ergo Scribo

“It was always like watching the world from the outside. You are standing at the doorway; the crystal clear glass in front of you can be instantly forgotten if it weren’t for the breath that fell upon it. The view on the other side engages you for it is an alien world, you can recognize the people’s reactions: happy, lazy, sulking, sleepy, hungry, hazed, joy, breathless. You can see the vivid display of these interactions from the other side of the glass. You observe the routine and nothing misses you eye expect for the reason. You could, for the life of you, never understand them. Never understand why they are reacting: happy, lazy, sulking, sleepy, hungry, hazed, joy, breathless. It was always like that. Watching the world from the outside.”

“Oh, you say you never felt that way. Don’t be offended by my upcoming comment but there was a time when I detested that answer. I was naive and considered that lack of recognition to be a sign of unfortunate and poor faculties. I now know better. With the same intensity of belief you gave my earlier comment (for I did see a flash of anger when I said unfortunate), you must believe me when I say I am happy for you”

“Its not for the sake of civility that I am saying that I have changed my view, that wouldn’t be the truth. It was not a momentary realisation under a sunny bridge during a summer evening. No, it was more the work of deliberate pursuit one attempts to understand oneself. It was the eventual outcome of a living a life intertwined with eventful experiences and lengthy deliberations.”

“I do agree that i have digressed, you need to pardon me for old habits die hard. One needs to control the desire to constantly evaluate. I started out to say how it felt to be living like that, to be watching through the looking glass and not understanding the reasons. It was initially hard to draw the correct expectations, I would always draw faulty assumptions and they never came true.”

“Depress. You are right indeed, but that was an intermediary phase. I was initially confused at my lack of wisdom to expect the events; I even resigned to the fact that I was just not going to be that good at it. But nothing in life is rarely permanent; I eventually begin to expect myself to succeed.”

“You smile; you do see the paradox I placed myself in. If my expectations were never realised, how can my expectation of being correct ever come to realisation? I was though wise enough to recognize the paradox. It was then I noticed, I was standing on the outside. I was never going to draw the correct conclusions for the game I can’t know the rules of. I can always watch, and observe but I would never understand”

“I am not offended by your reaction, I can see you logic in calling me a laggard. I never attempted to walk through the door you say. Well that part is true but not because I was lazy or revelled in myself pity.”

“I know you didn’t say the exact words, but I wouldn’t find it odd if you did. Let me give you my reason and then you too can see there were other courses of action. I was not lazy but I was indeed a proud person. I was sure I was standing on the right side of the glass, I was sure I was not misguided. I just accepted that the other side was of a different set, the world was playing a different game, an inferior game. I could, hence, never understand why they didn’t see the inferiority and take up a better, interesting course.”

“Now you do see my pride. Well that too was in the past, the ever evolving past. Speaking of which, our time for now, seems to have come to an end. Well you do know I could stay no longer than I am going to stay. You must not rush it, if i ever learnt anything it is this – never rush things unless you are ready to accept the consequences without question. Well, I can resume but I have to confess I am not popular for my ability to tell a single tale or discuss a single topic. Yes, like earlier, I tend to digress. Like now, when I am politely going to take you leave, for the moment, I am still talking. Ah, yes, you see the reason we have this chat is precisely because of that. I still watch the world from the outside”